1. Abstract Love vs True Love

Understand the abstract love you feel for the child before they move in is not true love. The ideas and dreams in your mind are not reality. This child has already developed a personality, a belief system, and a sense of self. Love at first sight is a beautiful ideology, but you will have to fall in love with who that child actually is, which takes time. This does not make you unfit or a bad parent, this makes you human. The love will come and when it does, it is worth the wait.

2. Regression

Prepare for a regression. While adoption may be fulfilling your hopes and dreams, for them, the transition may be traumatic. Even if they have been waiting to be adopted, it is a huge adjustment. There is often a “honeymoon” phase where children will be as perfect as possible to make you happy because they are terrified of rejection. As they begin to care about you and tentatively start to trust, the behaviors will escalate, and they will test your boundaries and limits. The 12-year-old will act six and your seven-year-old may well wet the bed and refuse to go to sleep. The “parentified” child will challenge you for control, questioning every single thing. Love is scary for them; what if you don’t love them back? Kids tend to blame themselves and fear they are unlovable. Then, they will set out to verify it. It’s your job to prove them wrong, and it won’t be an easy task.

3. Their Past

Accept their past. These kiddos didn’t come out of nowhere and need to know you love them for who they are. This means you accept the onslaught of stories about their “real” mom and dad, their grandparents, siblings, cousins, etc. They had a life before you that should not be diminished or buried. Creating a family with older children means embracing all of them, not just the parts that fit into your present picture. Every time I open a soda, I am regaled with the tale of how their “real mom” opened a soda once and it sprayed everywhere. Don’t personalize this. They love and miss their biological family which is normal; it does not mean they don’t love you. Have faith there is enough love for everyone. Consider including some of their traditions into your family. I wouldn’t recommend spilling your soda every day, but a little macaroni and cheese at Thanksgiving won’t kill you.

4. PTSD

5. Security and Stability

It’s important to create a sense of security and stability for older children, which unfortunately means schedules and rules. They will, of course, hate this, but it is essential, especially in the beginning. Make sure the rules and consequences are clear and don’t assume they know the basics. They may need to learn how to bathe correctly, hang up clothes, clear the table, or even make a bed. Manners are a subjective thing and will need to be made clear; mine didn’t know that spitting in the house is not appropriate. Don’t hesitate to have a lot of boundaries. It may seem overwhelming at first, but they will adapt and appreciate the safety they feel, even if they don’t verbalize it.

The benefits of adopting an older child are vast. The gratification and pride felt as they acclimate to their new world and begin to see life’s possibilities, overshadows any doubts once fostered. The bond with your child is made stronger from the tribulations, the love fiercer because of the battle that was waged. I know there is fear, but the rewards are so great. Fight for that child, believe in that child, and ultimately you will both win.

The post 5 Things to Know About Adopting Older Children appeared first on Adoption Week Online Magazine | News, Articles, Awareness.

Adoptive parents have often experienced great stress for a prolonged period of time before bringing their child home. Despite undergoing pre-adoptive education and a home study, many adoptive parents are not told that PADS is a common phenomenon. While working through the stress of the adoption process, many pre-adoptive parents rely on the dream of their future child’s homecoming to get through. They can idealize the experience, particularly if they are first time parents, and often when the reality of parenting hits them, it is far different than the dreamy scene they pictured. This is especially true for parents adopting children with special needs, or children older than infants who may experience issues bonding.

And all of the other stressors of being a new parent are there too, just as they are for biological parents. Babies who won’t stop crying, operating on very little sleep, juggling your new responsibilities as a parent with work, and all the worry that accompanies caring for a child, especially if that child is a newborn or cannot communicate with you at all. Couples may find their relationship is strained, and social activities become very difficult. All of this can contribute to feeling disillusioned, frustrated, and ultimately, depressed.

Signs you might be experiencing PADS include:

– Loss of interest in activities you used to enjoy
– A difficulty with concentrating or making decisions
– Fatigue or loss of energy
– Difficulty sleeping or increased need for sleep
– Significant weight change
– Excessive guilt
– Feelings of worthlessness
– Sense of hopelessness
– Irritability
– Suicidal thoughts or ideation 

Many parents also experience the other side of depression: anxiety. When we brought our daughter home, she was 2 days old. We had gotten the call that we were matched and that she was already born, just 48 hours before that. I distinctly remember not sleeping at all the first night, not because she wouldn’t sleep, but because I was terrified if I went to sleep something would happen to her, even though she was in a bassinet and within arm’s reach away from me. In her early infancy, my anxiety continued as I somehow became convinced there was a “right” way to be doing everything and would spend hours at night obsessively googling things about sleeping and feeding and making sure she had enough stimulation.

Many new biological parents experience this as well, but looming over my shoulder I also had the worry that I would somehow let her birth mother down, and also the worry that since she was not my biological child, I was somehow not fully equipped to care for her. If she cried and I had trouble soothing her I wondered, would I know what to do had I given birth to her? Most of me knew these thoughts were irrational, but when you’ve only slept for 4 hours, haven’t showered in two days, and haven’t had much interaction with the outside world for a while, it can be harder to shut those thoughts down. 

Another issue that can contribute to PADS is a pre-existing history of anxiety or depression. In my case, I have dealt with Generalized Anxiety Disorder my entire adult life, so it’s no surprise that in this highly stressful time of literally becoming a parent overnight, my levels of anxiety became unmanageable. Fortunately, I already had a good support system in place and was able to move past this extreme anxiety as she grew older. Now that she is two, I certainly worry, but I’m not up all night obsessively googling, and I am secure in my role as her mother.

Another contributing factor to developing PADS is unresolved grief about infertility or previous pregnancy losses. Many adoptive parents think they have moved past their infertility, but their grief is triggered again by bringing home a new child. Perhaps it’s an off-hand comment someone makes that implies you are “lesser” as a parent. Maybe it’s not being able to relate when the talk at Mommy and Me classes turns to epidurals and episiotomies. Maybe they have family or friends who are not supportive of their adoption. Any of these things can remind an adoptive parent that their child entered their family in a different way than most do, and can reignite infertility related grief.

Like with postpartum depression, PADS or post-adoption related anxiety is not only normal, it is treatable. How can someone experiencing PADS get help?

Take care of yourself. Self-care is incredibly important during this time. Find some downtime to engage in activities you enjoy. Make sure to eat right, exercise, rest, and get enough sleep. Time away from your child is important too, even if it’s just an hour to go shopping or get a cup of coffee. You need time to decompress.

Remember you are not alone. Connect with other adoptive parents who are experiencing similar feelings and challenges. Join an adoption support group, either in person or online. There you will find many other people who have been in your shoes and who can help show you that there is hope of making it to the other side of this challenge.

Give yourself time to bond with your child. Bonding and attachment can be a slow process, so be patient. Newborns don’t really give much back in the way of affection, and older children may have a language barrier, be dealing with physical illnesses, or just take time to warm up. You and your child have been through a lot in coming to find each other. Don’t expect bonding to be instant.

Ask for support and seek help. Do not be ashamed or afraid to ask friends and family members for help. Though they may not understand what you are going through, those closest to you are best equipped to help you begin to sort things out.  For your benefit and the benefit of your child and family, seek professional assistance if needed. Find a healthcare provider who is familiar with the challenges adoptive parents face and if necessary, consider taking medication.

Keep in mind that the first several months after you adopt, there is a transitional time for everyone in the family. Your whole life has changed, and so has your child’s. Take everything one day at a time, enjoy the positive moments, and be kind to yourself in the less than stellar moments: everyone has them.

The post Post Adoption Depression Is Real appeared first on Adoption Week Online Magazine | News, Articles, Awareness.