1. Abstract Love vs True Love

Understand the abstract love you feel for the child before they move in is not true love. The ideas and dreams in your mind are not reality. This child has already developed a personality, a belief system, and a sense of self. Love at first sight is a beautiful ideology, but you will have to fall in love with who that child actually is, which takes time. This does not make you unfit or a bad parent, this makes you human. The love will come and when it does, it is worth the wait.

2. Regression

Prepare for a regression. While adoption may be fulfilling your hopes and dreams, for them, the transition may be traumatic. Even if they have been waiting to be adopted, it is a huge adjustment. There is often a “honeymoon” phase where children will be as perfect as possible to make you happy because they are terrified of rejection. As they begin to care about you and tentatively start to trust, the behaviors will escalate, and they will test your boundaries and limits. The 12-year-old will act six and your seven-year-old may well wet the bed and refuse to go to sleep. The “parentified” child will challenge you for control, questioning every single thing. Love is scary for them; what if you don’t love them back? Kids tend to blame themselves and fear they are unlovable. Then, they will set out to verify it. It’s your job to prove them wrong, and it won’t be an easy task.

3. Their Past

Accept their past. These kiddos didn’t come out of nowhere and need to know you love them for who they are. This means you accept the onslaught of stories about their “real” mom and dad, their grandparents, siblings, cousins, etc. They had a life before you that should not be diminished or buried. Creating a family with older children means embracing all of them, not just the parts that fit into your present picture. Every time I open a soda, I am regaled with the tale of how their “real mom” opened a soda once and it sprayed everywhere. Don’t personalize this. They love and miss their biological family which is normal; it does not mean they don’t love you. Have faith there is enough love for everyone. Consider including some of their traditions into your family. I wouldn’t recommend spilling your soda every day, but a little macaroni and cheese at Thanksgiving won’t kill you.

4. PTSD

5. Security and Stability

It’s important to create a sense of security and stability for older children, which unfortunately means schedules and rules. They will, of course, hate this, but it is essential, especially in the beginning. Make sure the rules and consequences are clear and don’t assume they know the basics. They may need to learn how to bathe correctly, hang up clothes, clear the table, or even make a bed. Manners are a subjective thing and will need to be made clear; mine didn’t know that spitting in the house is not appropriate. Don’t hesitate to have a lot of boundaries. It may seem overwhelming at first, but they will adapt and appreciate the safety they feel, even if they don’t verbalize it.

The benefits of adopting an older child are vast. The gratification and pride felt as they acclimate to their new world and begin to see life’s possibilities, overshadows any doubts once fostered. The bond with your child is made stronger from the tribulations, the love fiercer because of the battle that was waged. I know there is fear, but the rewards are so great. Fight for that child, believe in that child, and ultimately you will both win.

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The idea spread around the United States until 1983 when Ronald Reagan proclaimed the week of November 19, 1984, as the first official National Adoption Week. An excerpt of the proclamation explains,

“More children with permanent homes mean fewer children with permanent problems. That is why we must encourage a national effort to promote the adoption of children, and particularly children with special needs. Through the Adoption Assistance and Child Welfare Act of 1980, some 6,000 children have been adopted who otherwise might not have been, and the number is growing. The recently enacted Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act will provide further assistance to couples who adopt children with special needs.”

In this context, children with special needs can mean a sibling group or a child older than the age of 2 in need of an adoptive home.

November was chosen as the time to call attention to the fact that children in foster care needed families to love. It was announced to be held right before the holidays, the week before Thanksgiving when so many children are longing for somewhere to call home. The idea of children spending Thanksgiving and Christmas alone tugged heartstrings and the idea of celebrating adoption through foster care continued to spread.

In 1995 President Clinton made November National Adoption Month to expand awareness about adoption from foster care.

Since then, with the help of organizations such as The Alliance for Children’s Rights, Children’s Action Network, the Freddie Mac Foundation, and the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, National Adoption Day has been promoted as a special day to celebrate adoption from foster care. So far, this special recognition of adoption has resulted in over 40,000 children being adopted.

Around the United States, courthouses everywhere hold special court to adopt children en mass. It is a party with balloons, dinner, stuffed animals, newspaper coverage, family pictures being taken together for the first time. It is a thing of beauty and a cause for celebration. A child finally has a home.

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Over the years I have spoken with and worked with many individuals who have decided to search for their birth families. As an adoptee myself, I have mentally battled with whether or not I want to complete my own search. When making these decisions there are so many emotions that run through you: excitement, curiosity, trepidation, and fear of the unknown. Many adoptees have fantasized or dreamed about what their birth family is like or what their reunion will be like. There are shows on TV about it and there is always a happy ending. The reality is, not all searches end with a happy ending. Oftentimes they end in rejection. I know for me, one of the greatest fears/insecurities I have when considering searching for my birth family is being rejected. We all want to think that this is not an option but in reality, it is a very real option.

So, how does one deal with the fear of rejection? I don’t know that there is any magical way to do so. Each person is different so every person is going to cope differently. That being said, I think there are some ways to prepare to help make the sting of rejection less. I think it begins with preparing yourself ahead of time, prior to searching. I think it is starting out with a mindset that “okay, I am going to take this step and I have to be okay with no matter what happens.” It means mentally preparing yourself beforehand for the rejection that may come afterward. If you go into this with a realistic perspective, hopefully, it will help normalize feelings along the way. 

Secondly, you need to remember that it is not all about you. This was a decision that a birth parent made a long time ago (or had made for them). It may be something that they have not fully dealt with emotionally themselves. They may never have told anyone about their adoption decision. While birth families who do make the decision to not meet may feel like rejection to you, the adoptee, it is often just them protecting themselves. They may not be ready to deal with the emotions of reuniting or having to explain to their family about decisions that were made in the past. Remember, it is not a rejection of you, the adoptee, but a protection for them. Just as you have the right to try and search, the birth family has the right to say that they don’t want to be found our reunited. 

Finally, I think that it is important to have a support system around you as you go through this journey. It may be one or two people, it could be a village. You need people around you to talk with, shoulders to cry on, someone to yell at in frustration, and those that will hold your hand and remind you that decisions made are not about you personally. Don’t do this alone. I know that it is a personal journey but make sure that you have at least a handful of people who can be there to hold you up when your disappointment may be realized.

That being said, don’t let the fear of rejection keep you from searching if that is what you want. Mentally prepare before you start and be prepared for the worst. Remember that there are a lot of emotions involved for all sides and while you may be ready for this next step, your birth family may not be and that is about them, not you. Have a support system. Trust me, you will not regret it and it will be a lifeline as you handle all the emotions that come with searching, reunion, and (possibly) rejection.

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