A Mother’s Perspective: Grieve Your Infertility Before Adopting

I know that yearning, aching feeling in your heart when you want to become a parent more than anything. No matter how hard you try, the emptiness and sense that something is missing just won’t go away. Even simple things like seeing a pregnant woman, buying a baby shower gift, or watching a mother cradle her precious infant can bring you to tears. When you’ve experienced infertility and/or miscarriages, your emotions are raw and your dreams are shattered. Deciding to adopt can bring a renewed sense of hope. But before you dive into the adoption process, take some time. My advice: grieve your infertility before adopting.

As wonderful as adoption can be, it’s not a cure for infertility. It won’t erase the past or take away the pain and hurt you’ve experienced. You won’t suddenly forget your body failed you or live your life as if everything is okay. Because it isn’t. Infertility, miscarriage, and stillbirth leave behind a deep scar that is forever etched in your soul. It’s a profound loss, one which deserves to be grieved and accepted before moving on.

Whether you lost a child you were carrying or the dream of the child you envisioned you would have, someone or something has died. Others may not understand your pain, but these powerful emotions should never be trivialized or pushed aside. As hard as it is, grieving your loss will help ensure you are emotionally ready to take on the challenges of adopting and becoming a parent.

One of the hardest things for me when I lost my babies to miscarriage was that there was no funeral, no grave, and no tangible way to say good-bye. So how do you move on and eventually come to accept what has happened? For me, I found writing in a journal to be very therapeutic. It allowed me to get in touch with my feelings and shed the tears that led to my healing. I also wrote a poem for each of my unborn babies and planted rose bushes in their honor. Talking to someone you trust and feel comfortable with is also helpful. You might want to consider confiding in a family member, close friend, pastor, or therapist. Whatever you decide to do, gaining closure before adopting is important for your own well-being and the health of your future family.

Infertility is a tough road, but with proper attention, it can lead to a beautiful destination. Over time, the tears will lessen; the sadness will fade. You’ll never forget your struggles or your heartbreak. But gradually, day-by-day, a new person will emerge: Someone who is stronger, more resilient, and ready to face whatever is next. This is the person your future child deserves. This is the one who will someday hold a sweet baby in her arms with no regrets, only profound love and gratitude.

If you’re interested in knowing more about what to do before adopting, click here.