1. Abstract Love vs True Love

Understand the abstract love you feel for the child before they move in is not true love. The ideas and dreams in your mind are not reality. This child has already developed a personality, a belief system, and a sense of self. Love at first sight is a beautiful ideology, but you will have to fall in love with who that child actually is, which takes time. This does not make you unfit or a bad parent, this makes you human. The love will come and when it does, it is worth the wait.

2. Regression

Prepare for a regression. While adoption may be fulfilling your hopes and dreams, for them, the transition may be traumatic. Even if they have been waiting to be adopted, it is a huge adjustment. There is often a “honeymoon” phase where children will be as perfect as possible to make you happy because they are terrified of rejection. As they begin to care about you and tentatively start to trust, the behaviors will escalate, and they will test your boundaries and limits. The 12-year-old will act six and your seven-year-old may well wet the bed and refuse to go to sleep. The “parentified” child will challenge you for control, questioning every single thing. Love is scary for them; what if you don’t love them back? Kids tend to blame themselves and fear they are unlovable. Then, they will set out to verify it. It’s your job to prove them wrong, and it won’t be an easy task.

3. Their Past

Accept their past. These kiddos didn’t come out of nowhere and need to know you love them for who they are. This means you accept the onslaught of stories about their “real” mom and dad, their grandparents, siblings, cousins, etc. They had a life before you that should not be diminished or buried. Creating a family with older children means embracing all of them, not just the parts that fit into your present picture. Every time I open a soda, I am regaled with the tale of how their “real mom” opened a soda once and it sprayed everywhere. Don’t personalize this. They love and miss their biological family which is normal; it does not mean they don’t love you. Have faith there is enough love for everyone. Consider including some of their traditions into your family. I wouldn’t recommend spilling your soda every day, but a little macaroni and cheese at Thanksgiving won’t kill you.

4. PTSD

5. Security and Stability

It’s important to create a sense of security and stability for older children, which unfortunately means schedules and rules. They will, of course, hate this, but it is essential, especially in the beginning. Make sure the rules and consequences are clear and don’t assume they know the basics. They may need to learn how to bathe correctly, hang up clothes, clear the table, or even make a bed. Manners are a subjective thing and will need to be made clear; mine didn’t know that spitting in the house is not appropriate. Don’t hesitate to have a lot of boundaries. It may seem overwhelming at first, but they will adapt and appreciate the safety they feel, even if they don’t verbalize it.

The benefits of adopting an older child are vast. The gratification and pride felt as they acclimate to their new world and begin to see life’s possibilities, overshadows any doubts once fostered. The bond with your child is made stronger from the tribulations, the love fiercer because of the battle that was waged. I know there is fear, but the rewards are so great. Fight for that child, believe in that child, and ultimately you will both win.

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Social Media

It has made adoption fun, interesting, popular, attainable, and almost easy. It has opened up a world of marketing that was never possible before. My husband and I found our consultant agency through Facebook and many the other agencies we contacted before them. Facebook and Instagram bring awareness to adoption and foster care as no other avenue has in 20 years. It brings people together who are struggling with the same types of issues concerning adoption. Whether you are in the paperwork/pregnancy phase or the trauma/behavior phase, there is a group of people out there who share the same feelings. And let’s not forget that you can have an online profile to share on your social media when you’re in the hoping-to-adopt phase.

Fundraising

The Internet and social media make it so easy to fundraise for an adoption. I see T-shirts on my Facebook newsfeed on a daily basis. “Buy my T-shirt and fund my adoption.” T-shirts, wall art, garage sales, photo sessions, car washes, dinners, and, so many more unique ideas are shared through the internet every day. There is also an increased awareness of and access to grants and loan options online. So many companies and nonprofits are offering funds to adoptive families that apply. It is an incredible help to families that long to adopt, but money is hindering them from that dream. 

Acceptance

I believe that the entire conversation in regard to adoption has grown increasingly better in the past 20 years since the topic hit the web. I think that people are more willing to be open and discuss the real issues that surround adoption. I also think that where some things in the past had been hidden, we are now wanting to engage in hard conversations. Transracial families, older child adoption, special needs adoption, and adoptions after a broken adoption are in an age of more and more acceptance. People are more willing to help, willing to listen, and willing to discuss all that entails adoption.

Other Resources

There are so many blogs, so many well-written books by experienced moms and dads, and so many support groups that offer a listening ear to families in the trenches. It is such a sweet relief to listen to, read about, or hear from another family who knows exactly how you are feeling. Some of my favorites are: 

• The Connected Child by Karen Purvis
• Millions of Miles
• Not Just Hair: The intersection of Hair/Skincare and Transracial Adoption Facebook page

Twenty years. That’s a long time. It is just long enough to create a whirlwind of information and support for families going through one of the greatest events of their lives.

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1. Invite the curious friend to coffee and share your experiences. Have you ever had someone you don’t know you so well or someone you haven’t seen in a while, bump into you in the grocery store and start asking 3000 questions about the adoption of your newest child? Well, the grocery store isn’t a great place to have an in-depth conversation, but if the person is genuinely curious (not in a rubbernecking, train wreck kind of way, you can blow those people off no problem) maybe a coffee date for a later time could be a good compromise. Then you have time to prepare for the questions, get out of your house for a little bit of time, and build on a friendship.
2. Adoption websites are a great place to start if you don’t personally have a lot of time to chat. Adoption.com is a great resource to point curious folks to and there are articles from everyone’s perspective from birth family to adopted child. There are hundreds of awesome websites about how to adopt, perhaps you have your own favorite. If you don’t have a lot of time to have a conversation (and who really does these days while we are out running errands) a quick “check out this website, it’s been a favorite of mine to answer questions I have had”
3. Recommend your favorite book on the topic. A few of my favorites in our journey have been “The Connected Child” by Karen Purvis, and “Another Place at the Table” by Kathy Harrison. “A Child Called ‘It’“ by Dave Pelzer is a harrowing tale of a young man who grew up first in an abusive home and then foster care. It’s a hard read but offers a unique perspective from a child of abuse. 
4. Handouts. Hear me out. You don’t want your child’s information “out there” but you’d like him to not be ostracized because he has a hard time in class. A simple, bulleted handout for teachers and coaches can help explain your child’s history in a short, easy to digest way. They don’t need all the details, just enough to keep your kid safe. Explain what adoption is, what adoption positive language is, and how it all affects your kid and his relationship to the world around him. This is not an easy solution but it can save you some time and heartache in the long run, especially if your child is younger and can’t explain for himself. You could also print out a broad definition explanation of what adoption is and isn’t to hand out to curious friends/people. 
5. Adoption agency informational meetings. These are the best because people can ask whatever questions they have, and for most agencies, they count towards your adoption/foster parent training. Many agencies hold this type of meeting once or twice a month but some will be more sporadic. The people at the agency are typically very well informed and can be the best for explaining the intricacies of what it takes to be an adoptive family. Just going to one doesn’t obligate you to anything and they are typically completely free.

For us, typically the education of others has come by all of these ways; however, the best education for others has come most by authentically and openly living our lives with the people around us. Questions pop up and where and when appropriate we answer with honesty. That is not always the case and people are not always worth the time it takes to explain, but for us, it has been worth it. Good luck on your journey.

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The idea spread around the United States until 1983 when Ronald Reagan proclaimed the week of November 19, 1984, as the first official National Adoption Week. An excerpt of the proclamation explains,

“More children with permanent homes mean fewer children with permanent problems. That is why we must encourage a national effort to promote the adoption of children, and particularly children with special needs. Through the Adoption Assistance and Child Welfare Act of 1980, some 6,000 children have been adopted who otherwise might not have been, and the number is growing. The recently enacted Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act will provide further assistance to couples who adopt children with special needs.”

In this context, children with special needs can mean a sibling group or a child older than the age of 2 in need of an adoptive home.

November was chosen as the time to call attention to the fact that children in foster care needed families to love. It was announced to be held right before the holidays, the week before Thanksgiving when so many children are longing for somewhere to call home. The idea of children spending Thanksgiving and Christmas alone tugged heartstrings and the idea of celebrating adoption through foster care continued to spread.

In 1995 President Clinton made November National Adoption Month to expand awareness about adoption from foster care.

Since then, with the help of organizations such as The Alliance for Children’s Rights, Children’s Action Network, the Freddie Mac Foundation, and the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, National Adoption Day has been promoted as a special day to celebrate adoption from foster care. So far, this special recognition of adoption has resulted in over 40,000 children being adopted.

Around the United States, courthouses everywhere hold special court to adopt children en mass. It is a party with balloons, dinner, stuffed animals, newspaper coverage, family pictures being taken together for the first time. It is a thing of beauty and a cause for celebration. A child finally has a home.

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Adoptive parents have often experienced great stress for a prolonged period of time before bringing their child home. Despite undergoing pre-adoptive education and a home study, many adoptive parents are not told that PADS is a common phenomenon. While working through the stress of the adoption process, many pre-adoptive parents rely on the dream of their future child’s homecoming to get through. They can idealize the experience, particularly if they are first time parents, and often when the reality of parenting hits them, it is far different than the dreamy scene they pictured. This is especially true for parents adopting children with special needs, or children older than infants who may experience issues bonding.

And all of the other stressors of being a new parent are there too, just as they are for biological parents. Babies who won’t stop crying, operating on very little sleep, juggling your new responsibilities as a parent with work, and all the worry that accompanies caring for a child, especially if that child is a newborn or cannot communicate with you at all. Couples may find their relationship is strained, and social activities become very difficult. All of this can contribute to feeling disillusioned, frustrated, and ultimately, depressed.

Signs you might be experiencing PADS include:

– Loss of interest in activities you used to enjoy
– A difficulty with concentrating or making decisions
– Fatigue or loss of energy
– Difficulty sleeping or increased need for sleep
– Significant weight change
– Excessive guilt
– Feelings of worthlessness
– Sense of hopelessness
– Irritability
– Suicidal thoughts or ideation 

Many parents also experience the other side of depression: anxiety. When we brought our daughter home, she was 2 days old. We had gotten the call that we were matched and that she was already born, just 48 hours before that. I distinctly remember not sleeping at all the first night, not because she wouldn’t sleep, but because I was terrified if I went to sleep something would happen to her, even though she was in a bassinet and within arm’s reach away from me. In her early infancy, my anxiety continued as I somehow became convinced there was a “right” way to be doing everything and would spend hours at night obsessively googling things about sleeping and feeding and making sure she had enough stimulation.

Many new biological parents experience this as well, but looming over my shoulder I also had the worry that I would somehow let her birth mother down, and also the worry that since she was not my biological child, I was somehow not fully equipped to care for her. If she cried and I had trouble soothing her I wondered, would I know what to do had I given birth to her? Most of me knew these thoughts were irrational, but when you’ve only slept for 4 hours, haven’t showered in two days, and haven’t had much interaction with the outside world for a while, it can be harder to shut those thoughts down. 

Another issue that can contribute to PADS is a pre-existing history of anxiety or depression. In my case, I have dealt with Generalized Anxiety Disorder my entire adult life, so it’s no surprise that in this highly stressful time of literally becoming a parent overnight, my levels of anxiety became unmanageable. Fortunately, I already had a good support system in place and was able to move past this extreme anxiety as she grew older. Now that she is two, I certainly worry, but I’m not up all night obsessively googling, and I am secure in my role as her mother.

Another contributing factor to developing PADS is unresolved grief about infertility or previous pregnancy losses. Many adoptive parents think they have moved past their infertility, but their grief is triggered again by bringing home a new child. Perhaps it’s an off-hand comment someone makes that implies you are “lesser” as a parent. Maybe it’s not being able to relate when the talk at Mommy and Me classes turns to epidurals and episiotomies. Maybe they have family or friends who are not supportive of their adoption. Any of these things can remind an adoptive parent that their child entered their family in a different way than most do, and can reignite infertility related grief.

Like with postpartum depression, PADS or post-adoption related anxiety is not only normal, it is treatable. How can someone experiencing PADS get help?

Take care of yourself. Self-care is incredibly important during this time. Find some downtime to engage in activities you enjoy. Make sure to eat right, exercise, rest, and get enough sleep. Time away from your child is important too, even if it’s just an hour to go shopping or get a cup of coffee. You need time to decompress.

Remember you are not alone. Connect with other adoptive parents who are experiencing similar feelings and challenges. Join an adoption support group, either in person or online. There you will find many other people who have been in your shoes and who can help show you that there is hope of making it to the other side of this challenge.

Give yourself time to bond with your child. Bonding and attachment can be a slow process, so be patient. Newborns don’t really give much back in the way of affection, and older children may have a language barrier, be dealing with physical illnesses, or just take time to warm up. You and your child have been through a lot in coming to find each other. Don’t expect bonding to be instant.

Ask for support and seek help. Do not be ashamed or afraid to ask friends and family members for help. Though they may not understand what you are going through, those closest to you are best equipped to help you begin to sort things out.  For your benefit and the benefit of your child and family, seek professional assistance if needed. Find a healthcare provider who is familiar with the challenges adoptive parents face and if necessary, consider taking medication.

Keep in mind that the first several months after you adopt, there is a transitional time for everyone in the family. Your whole life has changed, and so has your child’s. Take everything one day at a time, enjoy the positive moments, and be kind to yourself in the less than stellar moments: everyone has them.

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1. Adoptive families have a different perspective on how families are formed. Many adoptive families have fought very hard to be a family. They have been scrutinized from every aspect, filled out stacks of paperwork, and sometimes waited years for their children to come home. Because of the intense struggle, most adoptive parents have a great appreciation of the gift of parenthood.

2. Adoptive families realize that blood is not the only thing that makes a family. Love makes the family. When they look at their children, they only see their children, not an adopted child. The adopted child is their “real child.” There is a line in an anonymous adoption poem that says “you didn’t grow under my heart but in it.” Adopted families don’t need genetics to make them a family.

3. Every adopted child has “their” special day. It is a day unique to them. It is like a family holiday just for that child. Our family calls it Gotcha Day. My friend’s family calls it Adoption Day. Still another family I know calls it Family Day. So what is this special day? It is the day the adopted child came to their forever home.   

Our family chooses to look at Gotcha day as the day that our son got a family he needed, and we got a child we longed for. We “got” each other. We became a forever family. On this day, our family recounts the joyful day that we met our son. I would be remiss if I did not mention that not every child has the joyful homecoming stories that our boys do. While we may shield the hard parts of their early days until they are older, our boys came to us as infants and their stories are not as heartbreaking as some. Some children hate their Gotcha Days because it brings up feelings of loss and painful memories. However an adopted child joins their family, they each have a special day that says “welcome to forever.” Families call it different things and observe it different ways, but it can be a beautiful reminder of how special the child is and how thankful the family is that particular child is with their forever family.

4. When a family adopts a child whose nationality or ethnicity is different than their own the adoptive family will often retain parts of the child’s ethnic heritage and incorporate it into family life. Making sure that the adopted child is familiar with aspects of their native culture is very important to the child understanding who they are and where they came from. Building relationships with other families who share the child’s heritage or cooking meals from their first culture are great ways to connect the child to their ethnic-heritage. Sometimes books, toys, and artwork can be found to reflect the child’s heritage. 

5. Sometimes adoptees retain various forms of communication with their biological families. Adoptions can be open, closed, or semi-open in communication. Communications can be as basic as an annual update letter to as complex as interpersonal relationships, depending on the family and situation of the biological family. Having this extended family can add a unique dynamic to the adoptive family.

6. If you hang around a family who has adopted, you may hear them use terms that may be very unfamiliar to you. It’s true, we do have our own lingo and acronyms. While there are too many to list in this article, here are a few that you may hear.

• Home Study – process required before a child can be placed with a family for foster care or adoption. It includes references, medical reports, finance statements, background checks, social worker visits to home, and a variety of required training. Upon completion of the aforementioned, a document is drafted stating approval for adoption.
• Final Order of Adoption – the court has signed the final ruling that the child is legally and forever your child
• Semi-Open Adoption – a non-identifying interaction between the child’s biological family and the adoptive family, usually through a mediator such as the adoption agency/attorney.
• Open Adoption –identifying information is shared between the biological parents and the adoptive parents and an amount of contact following placement is agreed upon by both parties.
• Closed Adoption –there is no contact between the biological family and the adoptive family.
• Match – when a potential birth family and a potential adoptive family are found to have suitable qualities and agree to pursue placement.
• Profile Book – a mini biographical photo album of an adoptive family’s likes, interests, family, and friends that is designed to introduce them to potential parents seeking to place their child for adoption. There are also online profiles.
• Placement – when the adoptive child comes to live in the adoptive family’s home.

Adoption culture is pretty amazing. Just like any culture, it can be as varied as the people in it. Each family has its own special dynamic, experience, and traditions. If you are curious about adoption culture, don’t be afraid to ask because another cool thing about adoption culture is that most adoptive families love to talk about adoption.

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1. Faith Hill

Faith is a well-known country music singer who married fellow musician Tim McGraw. She was born in Ridgeland, Mississippi, and was adopted as an infant into a home with two brothers. She became a household name in 1993 with the release of her debut album.

2. Jesse Jackson

The former preacher and presidential candidate, Jesse Jackson was adopted as a child by his stepfather. His mother was 16 years old and in high school when she gave birth. She married Charles Henry Jackson a year after Jesse was born. Charles later adopted Jesse, giving him his surname.

3. Jordan Fisher

Achieving fame as both an actor and singer, Jordan Fisher is also an adopted child. He was born to a 16-year-old girl with substance abuse problems. Jordan was adopted by his parents along with his two younger siblings. He has starred in recurring episodes of Liv and Maddie and was part of the cast of Teen Beach Movie among other roles.

4. Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman

These two were well-known celebrities before they married each other. Even though the marriage didn’t last, the couple adopted two children during this time. They adopted a daughter named Isabella Jane who was born in 1992 and a son named Connor Anthony who was born in 1995.

5. Kristin Davis

Kristin was a single woman when she adopted her daughter, Gemma Rose, in 2011. According to Kristin, this was something she had wanted to do for a long time.

6. Denise Richards

Denise Richards is an actress who was known for marrying Charlie Sheen. They had two biological children together before divorcing. Richards then adopted a third child on her own in 2011. She added daughter Eloise Joni to the family after a two-year process for international adoption.

7. Angelina Jolie

Angelina is well-known for her international adoptions and efforts for children in other countries. She first adopted a child in 2002, a son from Cambodia. After getting involved with actor Brad Pitt, he also adopted the boy. They adopted a daughter from Ethiopia in 2005 and a son from Vietnam in 2007.

8. Katherine Heigl

Heigl is another famous actress who has turned to adoption to expand her family. She and her husband, Josh Kelley, adopted a little girl from South Korea. This country is the same place where Katherine’s adopted sister was born. The couple also adopted a second daughter from the U.S.

These names are just a few of the hundreds of famous people who have been touched by adoption either as an adoptee or as an adoptive parent. Many others were birth parents who made the difficult choice to give their children better lives through adoption.

What other famous people in adoption have we missed? Let us know in the comments!

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The Beginnings of Legal Adoption

In 1850, a law was passed in Massachusetts which recognized the legality of adoption. Technically, all that was required were willing adoptive parents, a child, and consenting biological parents. However, the statute wasn’t followed in most cases. Many times, the infant was treated as property. In fact, many adoptions focused around older children who were looked upon as labor for the families.

Adoption records were open during this time, and often no information was kept at all. Birth certificates weren’t changed and nothing remained secret in the process of adoption. Birth parents could easily find their children and the adoptive families, which often created more confusion.

Closing Records

During the 1930s and the decades following, changes in the system and process of adoption began. Records became sealed to protect the privacy of the birth family, the adopted child, and the adoptive family.

Social workers decided who was given which child. No information was shared with them about the child, and if any was provided, it was often made up. An adoptive child’s search for their biological parents was discouraged and touted as the path to unhappiness.

Changes to Adoption

Major changes began in the 1960s and 70s as fewer women had babies to give up. The stigma of raising a child alone lessened and adoptees were able to begin searching for their birth families. During this time, birth families and adoptive families began sharing information with each other though most adoptions were still closed.

Today, infant adoption in the US has changed radically from its beginnings. Not only do the birth parents and adoptive parents have the right to get to know each other, the potential birth mother may select the parents who will take her child. She even has the right to maintain contact with the family and be part of their lives in many situations.

Adopt infants may be handled through private agencies, by private adoption, or through public agencies. It may be voluntary or involuntary, depending on the birth family’s circumstances. While the adoption process is still not perfect, it has come a long way from the early days. In today’s adoptions, the concerns and rights of all parties involved are considered and protected.

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1. A person’s experiences shape their outlook on the world.

The child who has been hurt by adults will struggle to feel secure in life, therefore causing lifelong difficulties. Ask questions about the child’s history. Know the details of their traumas, successes, strengths, and weaknesses. Once the adoption is closed, you will no longer have the opportunity to speak with people who know your adoptee best. In addition, ask for as many resources as possible to support your adoptee through the next stages of life. When we adopted our daughter at the age of 14 months, we had no idea she was going to need mental health supports when she turned 15. Thirteen years after later, it was too late to request additional supports.

2. Be true to the older adoptee’s birth family.

Regardless of the abuse or neglect the adoptee has experienced from them, these people have played significant roles in your adoptee’s life. In addition, be as honest as possible; nothing builds trust more than honesty. Adoptees need to feel safe to form secure attachments to their caregivers. In some cases, adoptive parents withhold birth family information to protect the child. Depending on the information, keeping secrets might cause the adoptee to have unnecessary issues in the future. As an adoption therapist, I have encountered children who had significant behaviors simply because they felt they were lied to by their adoptive parents. Once the truth was revealed, negative behaviors diminished considerably.

In situations an open adoption is available, take it. Know as much as possible about the birth parents because this information is going to be needed at some point. As the adoptive parent you decide when contact will be made.

3. Older adoptees come with fully established personalities and that can’t be changed.

All you can do is work with them to establish household rules and expectations. It will be necessary to hold them accountable and prepare them for adulthood as best as possible. Some foster kids go to college, but many are not ready when they turn eighteen. Sometimes the older adoptee is simply counting the days until they turn 18 and plan to leave your home as soon as possible. That doesn’t mean they will be gone forever; they need to spread their wings and feel the freedom they have not experienced while living in an orphanage or foster care. In situations where adoptive families have provided safe, secure, consistent homes, it is possible the adoptee will want to come home.

4. There are no guarantees the older adoptee is going to love you or appreciate you.

It can take many years of living and adjusting to their new life before they are going to feel secure enough to trust. The longer a child has been involved in the system the more difficult it is going to be for them to trust adults trying to make decisions about their life. After years of being moved without notice, told everything is going to be okay, then losing all sense of felt safety, it is no wonder they are reluctant to trust.

5. Understand most of their behaviors stem from anger and hurt.

As you begin to build a relationship with your older adopted child, there will be times when they will lash out at you for no reason. This often happens when things are going well and can be confusing for the inexperienced adoptive parent. Older adopted children sometimes start panicking when things are going good and fear they will lose your home like past homes. That doesn’t mean you should withhold consequences for poor behavior, but understand they are self- sabotaging to control their situation. Reassure them of their security in your home and help them learn sabotaging behaviors are not helpful.

Older child adoption becomes enjoyable when the child begins to no longer see you as a threat and implements the life lessons you try to teach them. As they mature, they begin to see how their previous life affected them. My oldest son, who was adopted when he was 12 years old, is now 26. He continues to struggle with poor choices, but he finally accepts how we have been consistently there for him and guiding him toward a happy life. After 15 years, he can sincerely tell us he loves us and how grateful he is for what we have given him. That alone made all of our struggles worth every minute we invested in him.

What other advice do you have about older child adoption? Let us know in the comments!

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