1. Abstract Love vs True Love

Understand the abstract love you feel for the child before they move in is not true love. The ideas and dreams in your mind are not reality. This child has already developed a personality, a belief system, and a sense of self. Love at first sight is a beautiful ideology, but you will have to fall in love with who that child actually is, which takes time. This does not make you unfit or a bad parent, this makes you human. The love will come and when it does, it is worth the wait.

2. Regression

Prepare for a regression. While adoption may be fulfilling your hopes and dreams, for them, the transition may be traumatic. Even if they have been waiting to be adopted, it is a huge adjustment. There is often a “honeymoon” phase where children will be as perfect as possible to make you happy because they are terrified of rejection. As they begin to care about you and tentatively start to trust, the behaviors will escalate, and they will test your boundaries and limits. The 12-year-old will act six and your seven-year-old may well wet the bed and refuse to go to sleep. The “parentified” child will challenge you for control, questioning every single thing. Love is scary for them; what if you don’t love them back? Kids tend to blame themselves and fear they are unlovable. Then, they will set out to verify it. It’s your job to prove them wrong, and it won’t be an easy task.

3. Their Past

Accept their past. These kiddos didn’t come out of nowhere and need to know you love them for who they are. This means you accept the onslaught of stories about their “real” mom and dad, their grandparents, siblings, cousins, etc. They had a life before you that should not be diminished or buried. Creating a family with older children means embracing all of them, not just the parts that fit into your present picture. Every time I open a soda, I am regaled with the tale of how their “real mom” opened a soda once and it sprayed everywhere. Don’t personalize this. They love and miss their biological family which is normal; it does not mean they don’t love you. Have faith there is enough love for everyone. Consider including some of their traditions into your family. I wouldn’t recommend spilling your soda every day, but a little macaroni and cheese at Thanksgiving won’t kill you.

4. PTSD

5. Security and Stability

It’s important to create a sense of security and stability for older children, which unfortunately means schedules and rules. They will, of course, hate this, but it is essential, especially in the beginning. Make sure the rules and consequences are clear and don’t assume they know the basics. They may need to learn how to bathe correctly, hang up clothes, clear the table, or even make a bed. Manners are a subjective thing and will need to be made clear; mine didn’t know that spitting in the house is not appropriate. Don’t hesitate to have a lot of boundaries. It may seem overwhelming at first, but they will adapt and appreciate the safety they feel, even if they don’t verbalize it.

The benefits of adopting an older child are vast. The gratification and pride felt as they acclimate to their new world and begin to see life’s possibilities, overshadows any doubts once fostered. The bond with your child is made stronger from the tribulations, the love fiercer because of the battle that was waged. I know there is fear, but the rewards are so great. Fight for that child, believe in that child, and ultimately you will both win.

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The idea spread around the United States until 1983 when Ronald Reagan proclaimed the week of November 19, 1984, as the first official National Adoption Week. An excerpt of the proclamation explains,

“More children with permanent homes mean fewer children with permanent problems. That is why we must encourage a national effort to promote the adoption of children, and particularly children with special needs. Through the Adoption Assistance and Child Welfare Act of 1980, some 6,000 children have been adopted who otherwise might not have been, and the number is growing. The recently enacted Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act will provide further assistance to couples who adopt children with special needs.”

In this context, children with special needs can mean a sibling group or a child older than the age of 2 in need of an adoptive home.

November was chosen as the time to call attention to the fact that children in foster care needed families to love. It was announced to be held right before the holidays, the week before Thanksgiving when so many children are longing for somewhere to call home. The idea of children spending Thanksgiving and Christmas alone tugged heartstrings and the idea of celebrating adoption through foster care continued to spread.

In 1995 President Clinton made November National Adoption Month to expand awareness about adoption from foster care.

Since then, with the help of organizations such as The Alliance for Children’s Rights, Children’s Action Network, the Freddie Mac Foundation, and the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, National Adoption Day has been promoted as a special day to celebrate adoption from foster care. So far, this special recognition of adoption has resulted in over 40,000 children being adopted.

Around the United States, courthouses everywhere hold special court to adopt children en mass. It is a party with balloons, dinner, stuffed animals, newspaper coverage, family pictures being taken together for the first time. It is a thing of beauty and a cause for celebration. A child finally has a home.

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The Birth Mother Has a Change of Heart.

This is one everybody fears, and it’s a hard one to be sure. It can be emotionally complicated. I believe that adoption is a wonderful thing. I also believe that any time a child can (safely) remain with their birth mother, that too, is a wonderful thing. When we were matched with a young mom expecting a baby girl in the coming month, we were elated. We had chosen a name with input from the birth mom. We had a bed and a car seat. We were ready. Then the call came. She was choosing to parent her baby girl. Our baby girl. It was what we refer to as our first miscarriage, and it was heartbreaking, but I was also truly happy that this mom and her baby girl who would not have to suffer the loss of each other. There were days, weeks, to follow of mixed emotions and tears. Not only do people change their minds but courts can change their rulings as well. Whatever your adoption path, it’s a good idea to consider all possible outcomes.

Unexpected Birth Mother Expenses.

It’s best to talk this over before you are matched with a mom and decide what you can or cannot possibly afford regarding these costs. Our second adoption included birth mom expenses upward of four thousand dollars, but we had time to prepare for this both financially and mentally. Given our knowledge of the extenuating circumstances leading to this request and that siblings of our child would benefit from the assistance, we accepted these costs. Again, having these conversations early in the process may save you from making an impulsive but financially irresponsible decision in the future. Incorporating potential costs into your fundraising/savings plan may allow you to offer valuable support to your child’s first family.

Gender, Age, and Medical Uncertainties

We all know babies can fool even the most advanced ultrasounds and gender surprises do happen. It might be shocking but usually the worst-case scenario, we may have to exchange a basket of blue onesies for pink, or vice versa. Most medical challenges are addressed early on. Your adoption agency will likely have you work through a list of medical issues that you can or cannot accept in your placement agreement. This may rule out some of the biggies, but other medical conditions may not be evident until the birth. My advice is the same: talk it through, talk it through, talk it through! 

These aren’t the only things that can catch us off guard. Our third adoption was a little girl from Haiti. She was two years old and would sandwich just perfectly between our one and three-year-old sons. Or so we thought. We were well into the lengthy international process when accurate medical records surfaced, and we found out she was actually six weeks older than our currently oldest child. Poor records, poor communication, and stunted growth due to malnourishment had us all fooled. This wasn’t a deal-breaker, by any means, but it was quite a surprise.

Sur-prize, Sur-prize, Sur-prize!

Lastly, let’s talk about the kind of surprise that’s most rare.

Lots of us know someone who has an “oops baby.” (Horrible terminology but you understand the sentiment.) Well, there are a rare few of us who’ve experienced an “oops” or unplanned adoption, as oxymoronic as that may sound. Just fifteen short months after our youngest daughter was placed with us, we received a call from the adoption agency. I’ll never forget the sound of our social worker’s voice saying, “Mrs. Sexton, I hope you’re sitting down.” Turns out our baby girl, our grand finale, wasn’t so final after all. She had a baby brother -full, biological sibling. She said we could think and pray about it, but it was really a no-brainer. As soon as she said the word “brother,” we knew he belonged with us.

These are just a few examples. Some adoption surprises are small, little blips in a very large picture. Others are huge and life-altering, but this is true of all life’s experiences. The lesson is the same. Forethought, awareness and consideration of all the possibilities, and mental and practical preparation are the tools that will help guide you through these unexpected moments.

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The Beginnings of Legal Adoption

In 1850, a law was passed in Massachusetts which recognized the legality of adoption. Technically, all that was required were willing adoptive parents, a child, and consenting biological parents. However, the statute wasn’t followed in most cases. Many times, the infant was treated as property. In fact, many adoptions focused around older children who were looked upon as labor for the families.

Adoption records were open during this time, and often no information was kept at all. Birth certificates weren’t changed and nothing remained secret in the process of adoption. Birth parents could easily find their children and the adoptive families, which often created more confusion.

Closing Records

During the 1930s and the decades following, changes in the system and process of adoption began. Records became sealed to protect the privacy of the birth family, the adopted child, and the adoptive family.

Social workers decided who was given which child. No information was shared with them about the child, and if any was provided, it was often made up. An adoptive child’s search for their biological parents was discouraged and touted as the path to unhappiness.

Changes to Adoption

Major changes began in the 1960s and 70s as fewer women had babies to give up. The stigma of raising a child alone lessened and adoptees were able to begin searching for their birth families. During this time, birth families and adoptive families began sharing information with each other though most adoptions were still closed.

Today, infant adoption in the US has changed radically from its beginnings. Not only do the birth parents and adoptive parents have the right to get to know each other, the potential birth mother may select the parents who will take her child. She even has the right to maintain contact with the family and be part of their lives in many situations.

Adopt infants may be handled through private agencies, by private adoption, or through public agencies. It may be voluntary or involuntary, depending on the birth family’s circumstances. While the adoption process is still not perfect, it has come a long way from the early days. In today’s adoptions, the concerns and rights of all parties involved are considered and protected.

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1. We didn’t know that even though you bring a child into your home when he is an infant, he will still have a strong loyalty to his birth parents.
2. We didn’t know our hearts could be so happy and so sad at the same time. While we rejoiced at the opportunity to call this child our own, our hearts broke for her birth parents who were experiencing a great sense of loss and pain.
3. We didn’t know it was possible to instantly fall in love with a little person whom we had just met. 
4. We didn’t know that we would grieve when people talked about who their baby looks like, because our baby didn’t resemble either of us.
5. We didn’t know people would ask hurtful questions such as, “How could his mom not want him, he is such an adorable baby!”
6. We didn’t know that we would gain so many new friends with adoption being the common denominator that drew us together.
7. We didn’t know that a child who comes into your home as a baby may still have difficulty bonding with his new family.
8. We didn’t understand the importance of staying home and limiting visitors so our child could know who is mom and dad.
9. We didn’t know that drugs and alcohol can leave an invisible mark on a child that sometimes isn’t seen until the child is older. If we would have, we could have spared our family added grief.
10. We didn’t know that while we loved our newest family member, we would grieve the “old us.”
11. We didn’t know how hard it is to find a new normal when a new child enters your family. 
12. We didn’t know that even though a child is very young when he enters your home, he is still experiencing a loss of all that is familiar, and he will be affected.
13. We didn’t know how important it is to hold an infant even when he is sleeping to encourage the bonding process.
14. We didn’t know that older children need excessive love and deliberate nurturing to feel safe, especially when they felt unsafe and unloved in their previous home.
15. We didn’t know a child who is loved and cared for could still be fearful and feel unsafe.
16. We didn’t know adoption would take us on a journey that would include depths of pain and heights of joy unlike any we had previously experienced–a journey so complicated that only that only those who have experienced it can truly relate.

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As wonderful as adoption can be, it’s not a cure for infertility. It won’t erase the past or take away the pain and hurt you’ve experienced. You won’t suddenly forget your body failed you or live your life as if everything is okay. Because it isn’t. Infertility, miscarriage, and stillbirth leave behind a deep scar that is forever etched in your soul. It’s a profound loss, one which deserves to be grieved and accepted before moving on.

Whether you lost a child you were carrying or the dream of the child you envisioned you would have, someone or something has died. Others may not understand your pain, but these powerful emotions should never be trivialized or pushed aside. As hard as it is, grieving your loss will help ensure you are emotionally ready to take on the challenges of adopting and becoming a parent.

One of the hardest things for me when I lost my babies to miscarriage was that there was no funeral, no grave, and no tangible way to say good-bye. So how do you move on and eventually come to accept what has happened? For me, I found writing in a journal to be very therapeutic. It allowed me to get in touch with my feelings and shed the tears that led to my healing. I also wrote a poem for each of my unborn babies and planted rose bushes in their honor. Talking to someone you trust and feel comfortable with is also helpful. You might want to consider confiding in a family member, close friend, pastor, or therapist. Whatever you decide to do, gaining closure before adopting is important for your own well-being and the health of your future family.

Infertility is a tough road, but with proper attention, it can lead to a beautiful destination. Over time, the tears will lessen; the sadness will fade. You’ll never forget your struggles or your heartbreak. But gradually, day-by-day, a new person will emerge: Someone who is stronger, more resilient, and ready to face whatever is next. This is the person your future child deserves. This is the one who will someday hold a sweet baby in her arms with no regrets, only profound love and gratitude.

If you’re interested in knowing more about what to do before adopting, click here.

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